Chicken steroids? Nuclear waste? MERCURY poisoning? Don't you people know that stuff is a chromosomal fixative? Stop pumping it into your waterways or the resulting bio-disaster will be captured on handheld video devices and security cams and leaked to the media, where one brave young journalist will make sure the government can't keep a lid on this any longer.

This was one of my throw a dart at Netflix and see what it hits movies, as sometimes I like to watch something with no foreknowledge whatsoever, for the surprise? So five minutes in I'm like "aww shaakycam?". I've been avoiding these since that thing Romero did to his once proud franchise. I don't necessarily hate this sort of movie though; I've enjoyed a few...well two of them, so I'm willing the give the ol' Bay a chance here.

I guess this is the next stage in the evolution of shakycam, as it's not just one person's found footage but a collection of video from all manner of different personal devices, surveillance cams, dashboard cams, even webcams, all stuck together to make one big fake documentary. So basically what we have here are 100 short films about giant fish lice. None of them made me suspect we're in any danger from mutant Cymothoa exigua, but I've seen some pretty loathsome movies lately and at least I can say this is pleasantly dull at worst, and does occasionally produce a mild sensation of "hmm what's going on here".

And if you're one who complains that these movies look too slick you'll be in heaven here, as most of it does actually look like it was shot on someone's phone. Seems odd that security cameras and such stripe all their footage with an ominous musical soundtrack though. Must be some new feature on all the latest phones and cams.

For me this movie shares the same problem with most of its ilk, which is that it simply doesn't sell the footage. For this kind of thing to work it has to look dead real - more real than a regular movie. I mean we expect movies to look stylised, but this isn't supposed to be a movie. Sure looks like a movie to me though, complete with forced acting, unlikely dialogue, and computer animated trilobites dashing about. It's completely watchable though as a relaxing, asshole-free distraction.

So why does having a giant fish louse eating you from the inside give you a skin rash and blisters? Not that I care, it's just funny how the movie is as baffled by this as we are. The doctor even says "we were completely thrown off by the rash - it's really a giant parasite". That's some brave screenwriting there.

Anyway stop eating chicken and dumping mercury everywhere.