A guy and his autistic daughter, who like all creepy kids likes to draw horrible crayon pictures that come true, enter a hospital lift and emerge into a nightmarish Mobius strip where members of a Finnish heavy metal band in really elaborate Halloween costumes jump out at them.

In the mythical far away land of Fin-land there exists a heavy metal band called Lordi, who wear elaborate monster makeup at all times - even in the bath I bet. Seriously the band have secret identities. Their leader is called Mr Lordi, which I think must lose something in the re-translation. Maybe the word "lord" sounds sinister to foreigners, like how Helmut and Gunter seem like brutish names to us but are probably just Bob and Todd to a German. Or maybe lordi is a Finnish word that means something blasphemous. Maybe it's just kind of lame. I don't know guys.

At any rate the band, in full costume, are the monsters in tonight's movie and Mr Lordi is somehow creatively involved in the production. Regardless of how I feel about the movie I'm in favour of this sort of thing. I mean a guy who will not appear in public without wearing professionally applied demon makeup is obviously a pretty committed horror fan, and horror fans making horror movies is how things ought to be.

The movie itself, well it's rather like the band, which is to say,

DARK HAVENS, BLACK RAVENS, THUNDERS ABOUT TO BLOW!
MADNESS ROSE UPON THEIR LAST OF KIN
CRAZY HUNGRY FOR ANOTHER SIN!
VERTIGO SWIRLS DOWN TO SKELETAL HELL
WRAPPED UP IN A DEATH SHROUD!
BITING AT SOULS WHO ARE READY TO FALL
HELLS ALREADY HERE IF WE ARE LIVING TO DIE!