Teenagers go to an abandoned doom asylum because one of their moms was killed in a car wreck near there and I guess it's fun to hang out where your mom died, but coincidentally the dead mom's horribly disfigured boyfriend who is now a sick killer known as "the Coroner" also lurks around there and likes to perform fatal doctor gags. He's not really an insane doctor though; your killer today is an insane palimony lawyer named Mitch, and that should tell you what you need to know.

Proof that just because something is cheap and loud and stupid and made in 1987 doesn't mean it has actual camp value. Don't get me wrong, this is totally pure late 80s dude, like could you hike up your bathing suit a little more there honey a tiny strip of vagina is still not showing, but this is not the good fun 80s like Night of the Creeps; this is the greedy slimy underbelly of the 80s that had us all sick of 'em by the end.

Remember those brick shaped walkie talkie phones they had back then? The excess of the decade reached a point where they started selling fake ones - dummy phones you could pretend to talk into in order to look important. This is a dummy movie; the product itself is an afterthought, just a solid object to put in a box and stick on the shelf to cash in on the VHS rental craze.

Some may argue that I've just described all 80s slashers, and I'm under no illusion that Friday The 13th part VII was made with love by horror auteurs, but I like to think a few people back then cared a little bit, and even some of those who didn't at least knew how to make horror movies. This thing isn't even trying.

Specifically? Okay how about everything anyone says in the whole movie. I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to at least vaguely simulate human behaviour and speech. I mean we do that stuff all day every day as actual real life humans, yet tell someone to write a screenplay and it comes out more like if squirrels could talk or something.

Killer is utterly godawful. Yeah Mitch. Picture a sleazy divorce lawyer with some painted rubber stuck to his face, delivering a stream of one liners like...well I can't even remember any to make fun of. That's the movie's scary monster.

Also I seem to recall the music being chintzy, loud, repetitive and irritating. Luckily I've completely forgotten it as well so I don't have to think up a derisive comment about what it's like. Probably like if squirrels scored a movie though.

The whole thing is just indolence trying to be funny, but again not so much trying as not caring because it already had your rental fee and good luck finding a review of something like this before the internet. Normally one can at least laugh at a movie this bad, but you can't laugh at failed comedy - it's morally wrong.

And they didn't have enough of their own horrid movie so they have Mitch watch other better movies between the gag kills. One could say it's charming and a nice change of pace to see snippets of old Tod Slaughter films, but in keeping with the baffling, unprovoked meanness of this review I'm going to say no, fuck that, can't cheat and make a movie better by showing a different movie in it.

I guess I can manage a couple not hateful things here though. I did laugh at one joke, when that chick keeps calling her boyfriend "mom". That's funny. Also I again appreciate how 80s slashers aren't always full of assholes. In this case I suspect the writers were just too lazy to write any in, but it's nonetheless nice to merely feel nothing for everyone in the film. It's a horrible movie but it won't actually hurt you. The punk chick beating guys up and constantly fake horse-laughing really loud was even mildly entertaining.

I just want to add, why do special effects guys always make fake body parts out of solid rubber. I see it in way better movies than this even. It's fine in a static shot, but when they start throwing that stuff around it bounces and jiggles and bends the wrong way. We all have actual body parts and know they don't do that. I mean if they're making a fake hand at least put something semi rigid in the mould for the fingers so they don't wobble like jello. I don't care how low the budget is, you can afford sticks.