Rehydrated movie substitute, ready to watch. Ingredients: those kids, fake ghost, video camera, desert ghost town, Roddy Piper. He's here to chew gum and be in a crap movie, and he's all out...

Here's the difference between you and I. I have watched this movie, and you, hopefully, have not. But this is what I do. I watch these things. I hope you're out there curing cancer and writing symphonies or something.

I'm too beat to write a review. Here's the whole damn movie:

Blandly attractive young people head out to Goldfield to video the ghosts at the haunted hotel. It gets dark and their car stalls. They take a cursory glance under the hood then start walking to town. Mike goes missing and they start hollering for him. Mike! Mike! Mike! This is seven minutes into the movie. Mike jumps out at them. It was all a joke. They call Mike an asshole. Seven minutes. I love when a movie gets right to the good stuff.

They come to the town and encounter a gruff bartender. Roddy Piper nooooo! Guess he didn't invest his Hell Comes to Frogtown money wisely. Someone hire the man for a real movie. Anyway here's the point in this sort of fiction where one of the kids needs to be rude to the locals, so Mike volunteers to start harrassing an old man. Rowdy gives them the key to the hotel while he and the old man exchange knowing looks.

The slutty, whiney chick immediately starts stealing stuff from the hotel as the movie weaves a subplot about kleptomania, while the rest of the gang are getting some "crazy readings" on their electronic ghost detector. An unfortunate actress in white makeup starts occasionally standing in the shot and whispering in a scary voice. Mike jumps out at them and is accused of being a dick.

So pretty soon they...see a ghost! Seriously. A real ghost. Proof that they exist. After that they mess about for a long time. For future reference, by that I mean they wander the hotel getting more crazy readings and saying things like "let's look for more ghosts", "you're hot", and "GOD you GUYS" while they fiddle with their camera and pilfer antiques.

The ghost reveals the backstory through the use of flashbacks implanted into final girl's mind. It concerns a dead baby, lover's betrayal and murder. All that good ghosty stuff. The girl even turns out to be a descendant of someone in the flashbacks and has a locket that may hold the secret of defeating the ghost. Ghosts are absolutely mad for heirloom lockets.

We don't learn all of that at once though. It takes a lot more messing about, by which time the movie is an hour old and I can't help but notice that I've yet to see a single young protagonist slain. The ghost finally posesses two of them and makes them have sex with their clothes on. They are interrupted by whichever ones were their rightful significant others, who are scandalised, but Mike was an asshole anyway and a minute later the nice girl falls in love with the nice boy who had a secret crush on her the whole time.

After a bit more messing about the fully corporeal ghost jumps out and kills three people in the space of about a minute. This represents all of the movie's kill scenes so I hope you didn't go for a slash right then or you missed seeing a chick sort of poke guys in the throat with fingernails and hit something with a shovel. I don't know who that first dead guy was, 'cause I think there are only three guys in the movie and there's somehow still one left after three are killed or fall down stairs. Not gonna look. The mystery shall forever haunt me.

The last survivors try to get out but the door's locked, probably thanks to Mike's earlier behaviour at the bar. Ghost grabs the guy and final girl immediately abandons her new boyfriend and splits the scene while he presumably gets a good offscreen fingernailing. She gets a look on her face like she suddenly figured out how to use the locket and runs to the place where the ghost portal is.

Forgot to tell you about the ghost portal. There's a ghost portal. It's one of seven on Earth I believe the movie explained. Anyway during the big showdown with the ghost the locket thing just somehow doesn't work. Not sure what happened there. I think they got tired of writing the movie. So, now she's the new ghost of Goldfield. Roddy Piper sees her in the hotel window and gets a look on his face like people do when a movie is over.

I lived in Las Vegas many years ago and thought about looking at property in Goldfield Nevada, so it all comes together in the end.