The Nazis know how to make zombie supersoldiers - that was never the problem. Inadequate security and containment has always been the problem, as in every previous attempt the project has failed due to the zombies getting loose and running amok, not to mention Allied infiltrators immediately finding and destroying the bases. This time the facility will be guarded by like six guys so nothing can go wrong. But a rag-tag misfit squad of Americans are sent on a secret mission to capture the Nazi zombie scientist. Their odds of making it back alive: one in a hundred!

Also the Americans have a werewolf.

Here's how to tell real soldiers from reinactors: actual soldiers in war tend to be pretty lean, whereas reinactors have generally had a few doughnuts, if you get my drift.

I really hate to bad mouth a low budget independent horror movie, especially war horror since it's just about my favourite thing. I appreciate that people try things. I'm not going to grouse about the Call of Duty CGI. I'm not at all bothered that Ohio doesn't necessarily look like France. I'm not going to geekpick that they call an MG34 an MG42 or that "Allied Base Headquarters Europe" is just a couple tents and a Colonel. I'm not going to question the historical authenticity of the US 1st Infantry Division having a special all-convict squad of paratroopers. Not even going to make snide comments about the unfortunate and curiously applied monster masks. Okay maybe li'l bit about the masks - go to a Halloween gag shop for god's sake. But my point is it could have still been an okay movie with all that.

But it's just so awful.

You know how sometimes you can tell from the very first shot that every minute of what you're about to watch is going to fail with its pants down? And I don't mean from something obvious like seeing a leprechaun or the words Sci Fi Channel Entertainment in the titles; I'm talking about a sort of spider sense one gets after seeing so many, many of these things. It's a reaction to some cue you subconsciously recognise, that sinking "whoa...shit" feeling you get when you already know horror movie night is ruined before you've even taken your first bite of horror movie night pizza.

I think at a certain age or experience level humans develop a template in their minds of how reality appears, and the sense is so innate that it can be difficult to describe exactly why something looks false. Like the opening scene in the movie is a squad of soldiers moving across a field, and even though they are wearing the correct uniforms and equipment and there's no boom mike in the shot or anything, it is instantly obvious that what you are looking at are some guys doing really bad army cosplay. They're somehow moving wrong. Instead of matching the template of reality, it exactly matches that of kids with sticks playing war in the back garden. I honestly don't think I'd have noticed if the performers had started making "pow pow" noises at each other.

And this is before anyone even says anything. The problem with so many low budget movies isn't that they can't afford Tom Savini and uh, Bruce Campbell; it's that they fail in the one area that doesn't even cost extra - the screenplay. I mean sure if you're making a movie on the cheap you might have to let your brother-in-law be in it and use those cherry flavoured wax vampire teeth that the performers can eat after the shot instead of craft service, but there's no monetary reason that your screenplay can't be better than Citizen Kane. Instead we have plot and dialogue that would have made even Sgt Rock walk off the set (grimly clutching a handful of dog tags).

There's an asshole guy character in our face for half the movie so we take double damage from bad on bland, and the noisy fake shoot 'em ups service the rest of our nerves. And you know how snotty reviewers like to say stuff like "I watched the clock more than the movie"? Well in this case I have to say the movie really has somehow hit on the perfect formula to make 90 minutes creep through at least three hours of percieved time. Maybe because it's kind of trying to be an anthology so it seems like it keeps starting over, or maybe the scenes are so predictable that some sort of deja vu loop is generated. I don't know but I'm not kidding here; there's some sort of subliminal anesthesia going on. The clock just stops moving.

I think this is about as bad as a movie can get without crossing the line of being entertaining for its badness, so there's just nothing likeable here. I don't think it even likes itself. The imp of the perverse compelled me to watch the "making of" extras and the shots of the crew put me more in mind of a chain gang than people having fun making a movie.

But there are some real WW2 vehicles they must have hired out from reinactor groups. In a way their presence makes the movie all the more a tragedy, but it's kind of interesting to see them drive around and hear their engine noises and stuff.

What a mean little notice. I hope nobody involved ever reads this because in spite of all I just said I'm still glad people make cheap horrible movies. I guess.

IF IT'S ALLIED BASE HEADQUARTERS EUROPE THEN WHERE IS GENERAL EISENHOWER?