Young people I can't stand take their camera phone to... {points at title}...you know what, let's just stop right there. You've already seen this movie by default when you saw Cloverfield or Devil's Pass or overheard strangers on the bus. You're good, hit the showers, see you on Monday.

Thank you so bloody much Blair Witch Project {said like Basil Fawlty}. I'm a live and let live kind of guy but at this point in our civilisation maybe it's time for some sort of regulatory agency to step in. I mean I'd already just bailed on another movie as soon as I saw it was found footage and couldn't use two mulligans in a row. There's a horrible movie on literally every abandoned phone now. If you find one for the love of god please drop it in thermite.

As a horror fan this thing just held me down and hurt me. The first hour is really nothing but someone's innane vacation footage - parties, dancing, drugging, flirting, shopping, sexing, occasional ominous foreshadowing when birds fly over or generic beard stubble guy says "something isn't right here". Why don't I just watch that very special episode of The Facts of Life when Mrs Garret and the girls went to Paris.

Oh and the screenwriter must have attended Character Developement 101 'cause the main chick's brother died and she misses him and thinks about him a lot and looks at pictures of him on her phone. Hope that helps.

But if you hate your life enough to sit through all that we eventually get to the part we love about found footage, where people run around in the dark yelling and looking at walls and white faced things with black eyes jump in front of the camera. It's these trendy demonic zombies I think the [REC] sequels invented. I prefer my good wholesome Romero zombies but I don't hate the premise of zombie demons here; the gates of heck in Jerusalem thing is an interesting idea and might have worked if they hadn't made a Jewish princess travelogue instead.

To play zombie devil's advocate for a second the movie almost sort of does something I've always wanted to see in one of these things, which is a zombie or CHUD or whatever getting hold of the camera so we can see its fucked up P.O.V. for a while. That only happens here for the last minute though as a twist ending I might have really liked in a better movie but was in no mood to be impressed by here. Not a lot a movie can do for me after spending a solid hour working me over like a heavy bag.