You'll never believe this, it lost one of its gold coins and...

I don't much like cities as they're absolutely crawling with huge apes, but as cities go I dig Las Vegas. There's something wonderful about stepping outside at midnight and feeling ninety degrees. It's the city invented for night owls, and I haven't been to bed before 4am in living memory. You other cities make me sick, with your grocery stores and Chinese take out joints that close.

It also fills me with malicious satisfaction that Las Vegas exists in complete defiance of mother nature. Sure I love all that beauty of nature jazz as much as anyone but I basically abhor the way the universe works. Lovecraft said it better than I can: "Time, space and natural law hold for me visions of intolerable bondage". Things should be better than this. Not even the hundredth coolest thing you can imagine exists here. The Milky Way is a shithole galaxy and even has a stupid name. But Las Vegas is mankind thumbing his nose at the gods, nature and tribal wisdom to build a big fake wonderland right in the middle of the goddam desert. Las Vegas isn't supposed to be there but it is, at least for today, and built on greed, hedonism and con games for bonus points. Gives me a warm fuzzy.

It's also one of the world's weird places, with Area-51 and the extraterrestrial highway right there. And because of its unnatural location it doesn't have the massive urban sprawl of other Earth bases so it just appears suddenly out of the desert like a mirage. One of the most surreal sights you can experience is leaving Las Vegas at night; you look back and there's this bowl of neon surrounded by endless black buggerall. You're not just leaving a city, you're leaving a planet, straight out into the lightless unknown reaches of space.

Las Vegas man, it's a trip. Do we really have to talk about Leprechaun 3?

Well you can see a woman turned into an inflated mass of butt and boobs and explode 'cause careful what you wish for. Sounds more impressive than it is. Definitely ridiculous though and maybe that's what you're looking for if you're watching Leprechaun number 3. No idea what I'm looking for here.

These Leprechaun movies just keep getting better. I'm serious, this one is better than Leprechaun 2 by at least 0.01%. That may not sound like much but name one other franchise that has improved with every sequel. Yeah you can't. I was also impressed by the film's realism, as it's a pretty accurate depiction of how much midgets suck at fighting. The leprechaun gets its arse kicked pretty regularly in these things and that shows a lot of courage on the part of the filmmakers.

What else...oh leprechauns are werewolves now 'cause if you get bit by one you turn into a leprechaun, and by turned into a leprechaun I mean you get some novelty eyebrows glued on and a session with the dialect coach. Oddly though it doesn't make you any shorter. What, you thought they'd hire a second dwarf for the epic leprechaun vs leprechaun battle for the ages? Dream on.