Where I spend 8+ hours a day and wake up ever so fucking refreshed...

Sorry I mean a plane absolutely clown-car packed with zombies - or are they zombies? They have knives and clubs and run pretty fast and can apparently pilot a C-130. Anyway they land and immediately overpower the Italian I mean American army and run graphically amok in Rome I mean Pittsburgh or somewhere while pretend generals talk about what to do.

So who's more effed up, Italians or Japanese? Okay the Japanese by a full horse length, but in their case the point could sort of be made that we're experiencing the movies out of context because we don't grok the culture or understand the original language. But there is no original language in these Italian movies. They don't even record sound while shooting. This shit is as WTF as it seems.

I think Italian directors and screenwriters must share some sort of collective dementia. For sheer cracked weirdness Ed Wood has nothing on guys like Fulci, Fragasso and Lenzi. Even Dario Argento has an insane streak. There's no such thing as a just regular Italian horror movie. To a slightly lesser extent the Spanish too, at least in the 80s. This is an Italo-Spanish production so adjust your restraints.

You know what it is? I sussed it just now typing this. Writing things out helps you understand life guys. These movies are genuine horror comedy. You know I detest almost anything trying to be horror comedy but this is legit. It's horror because it's grisly and dark and downbeat and deadly serious, but at some point in every spaghetti zombie movie I just break down and start laughing uncontrollably. And what I'm laughing at isn't humour; I'm laughing because the broken absurdity reaches critical mass and my knee jerks. It's insane clown laughter, and that's the only way we should ever laugh at a horror movie.

I guess I haven't said anything about the actual movie yet. Smartest zombies ever. They're even armed. They'll shoot your ass. Mostly though they love to stab stab stab. Especially chicks. In the boob. Which come out all the time 'cause nobody wears any sort of bra or undershirt. Oddly delicate feeders though, not eating flesh like proper zombies but making knife incisions and lapping at the blood. Technically I'd say they're zombie vampires.

Turns out humans are the real monsters though as it's explained the zombie holocaust is our own fault for having stuff like cities and electricity instead of still being cavemen. Hope you learned your lesson.

And what Eurotrash movie would be complete without some repulsive old guy pawing at a chick young enough to be his grandchild. At one point the lead character clouts his hysterical wife so hard it must have cracked a few teeth, which she seems to think is perfectly appropriate male behaviour and immediately kisses him. Don't be a girl in Southern Europe.

Apparently this is supposed to be happening in the United States though since I guess Americans won't watch guys named Luigi. Must be the part of America where everyone drives funny little cars and the army wear red berets and have big pizza chef moustaches, and the Solid Gold dancers have been replaced by wiry chicks in unattractive blue leotards. I don't know if I like this new America but it certainly is strange and colourful and violent

And just to stay inexplicably pazzo right up to the credits, it was all a dream! Wait now it's real again!