Overprotective parents keep their daughter locked up in a castle, and no sir she doesn't like it. In fact complaints escalate to outright bickering.

hey cool
but YUCK
Were there not supposed to be skull heads?

So it's 2011 and I'm only just now upgrading from an old tube TV. And the first thing I see in flat panel widescreen glory is...Skull Heads? I'm reminded of the parable about using one's Samurai sword to harvest rice.

Now I know what you're thinking, and you're completely wrong. I'm not some stuffed shirt highbrow wine-smelling snob who's too good for this sort of entertainment. I actually like Charles Band and his damn doll movies. Hideous and Blood Dolls are two of my favourite camp horror flicks, so I am imminently qualified to evaluate this motion picture.

What a load of dull, half ass bullshit. Quarter ass even. Like I said, I tend to enjoy Full Moon schlock but I also get the impression Charles Band is a complete huckster who really likes money - a sort of smarmier version of Lloyd Kaufman. This "movie" is Mr Band using his credentials to release a cheap dummy product into the profit stream where it will be licensed by Netflix, exhibited on deep cable channels between infomercials, and loved by virtually no one.

The selling point of Full Moon pictures is that they throw a lot of crazy monkey shit and over-the-top characters at you, which as far as I'm concerned is exactly how to make a B horror movie, but this thing is a perfect example that there's a right and wrong way to do anything. One cannot simply assemble the usual ingredients, point a camera at them, and expect a movie to happen. It's like a pile of flour and apples pretending to be pie.

Yeah the characters are kind of weird, although just being a complete asshole is slack substitute for weird, and there's the usual spooky castle and standard Full Moon accoutrements, but it all feels like people just goofing around between takes on some other real movie. It's mostly just the girl fighting with her parents, like the thrilling scene of the dad taking away her ipod. We're almost done here before the first act of fatal violence takes place, at which point you'll see the chintziest gunshot effect since you played cowboy as a six year old.

Fortunately and in keeping with its laziness I seem to recall that the 80 minute running time is a lie and it's a very short movie, allowing you to leave after only a little more than an hour, probably muttering "the hell?".

Oh and if you like stuff about skull heads, don't watch the movie Skull Heads, as they have no significant role in that picture.