Trivial young people make crude pop culture references and accuse each other
of masturbation.

This movie will actually harm you. Neurons will pack up and leave in protest, your brow will burst from furrowing in disapproval, and if you don't stop it in time you'll almost certainly lash out and damage whatever device you're playing it on. I don't like to get political, but products like this can even hasten the global apocalypse by turning those once young and cool into stodgy old conservatives who'll vote for any tyrant promising to ban this sort of thing and jail the miscreants responsible.

I'd have to get out the thesaurus and construct a Lovecraftian stream of compound adjectives to describe this. Infantile, pestilentially inane, etc. I had to bail. I have OCD to finish any movie I start, which means this thing is so relentlessly unwatchable it can out-compete mental illness. I kept trying to skip ahead to some part of it that wasn't these people talking but all I found was not-sexy sofcore porn. According to the description a robot Santa comes to life and hurts people at some point. You'd have to want that more than life itself to sit through the other 89 minutes.

If you think I'm some kind of fun hating killjoy, bear in mind I love Return of the Living Dead and um...does Mystery Science Theatre count? You can do anything well except Christian rock, even maybe witty youthful banter; this is the bizarro version. I'd hate to be accused of optimism, and god help us all if I'm wrong, but I don't think even real people are capable of being this corrosively irritating. Dialogue this bad has to be deliberately crafted. Someone wrote this for a movie, maybe even got paid for it. I can't think about that any more. I need to go listen to Richard Dawkins talk for a while.