"This is a local shop for local people"

In writing about movies I risk becoming the very thing we all detest - some smart alec jackass mouthing off on the internet. It's all the rage these days to be an asshole and excuse it as bravely "not mincing words" or "not caring what anyone thinks". I however am a firm believer in the value of politeness in society, even though I'm not strictly a member of that organisation. The internet is a perfect example of what happens when people aren't worried about getting beatdown and expelled from the troop. Forums become unreadable, online games unplayable, and yeah don't expect a comments section here anytime soon. I doubt there are any more assholes now than any other time in history, but these days they have a vast anonymous arena in which to ply their trade. Wait am I one of them?

THAT'S RHETORICAL. Of course I'm not, and here's why. Every damn one of us, even the quaintest West Country pie-baking grandmas, hold opinions that millions of people would find horribly offensive. In that sense we're all assholes to somebody. The difference to me is between public and private.

Public is where people have no reasonable choice but to be exposed to each other. Those who grief people in public are assholes, and the bullies wherever they went to school obviously didn't do their job. I'm very much a live and let live kind of guy. I'm sure your life is hard enough without me braying in your face at the grocery store 'cause I totally saw you slip not extra-virgin olive oil into your cart. So if somebody out there tells me Phantasm III is his favourite movie I'm just going to smile and say "yeah I saw that".

Private is my fake amusement park. If you read the back of your ticket you'll see that ENTERING THE PARK CONSTITUTES SIGNING THE WAIVER, and unless you saw what happened to that hobo behind the girlie show tent you're free to leave at any time and never return.

I don't get my jollies from pissing off or offending anyone and nothing here is written to that end. I do however get my jollies from saying horrible mean things about movies I don't like. It's boring to like everything and be pleasant all the time. I enjoy talking about hated movies almost as much as good, so in a way they provide a service. I don't even want to live in a world without bad movies; they're part of the big rich tapestry or something.

So please bear in mind if you get your feathers ruffled that it's just part of the clown show. Besides, if you liked something more than I did then you won, right? I'd also like to point out that these aren't even real reviews written by a "real" {snort} critic on a real website. I don't even post this shit anywhere it can be seen by accident for god's sake. Man I don't even know how you got here.

Sorry I'm getting defensive now. Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I called the actor who played Andrea Martin's boyfriend in Black Christmas a "giant baby Gene Shalit". It has nothing to do with the movie and I've felt bad about it ever since. He totally is though.