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Welcome to Pokoli Park

I have no idea how you accidentally typed this URL but do you like horror movies? If so hello, sziastok shipmates, come on in. I'm called Jack and I am a professional pipe wrench thug. By that I mean I am the nemesis and stalker of handsome young motorcycle riders, and by hitting them with the wrench mean to stop them competing in any organised races. When I'm not busy with that I cultivate the habit of watching horror movies and then typing out a stream of profanity-laced bombast about them.

So right about now you're probably like "WTF is this 1996?" Yes, yes it is. You're back in the time when the whole internet looked like this and you're on dial-up and viewing what we the people of the latter 1990s call a homepage. Can you even stand not having fifty different things you could click on right now? Also it's Friday night so X-Files is on in a few minutes.

I remember it like yesterday, when with much fanfare of R2-D2 bleeps my modem first connected me to the information superhighway, and once my mind had somewhat coalesced with the concepts of "website" and "search engine" I typed a query into Infoseek, or maybe it was Alta Vista, and holy goddam there's horror stuff on this!.

Of course the slick big-box horror sites weren't yet even a gleam in Fangoria's eye. These were all humble homepages of horror, things people crudely made with their own hands. A lot of it was just eye-melting green text with maybe a .gif of a bloody skull or something, but all content. Man I could read theyrecoming.com for an hour. Really sad when I finally got the ol' 404 error on that.

But I'm not a good old days kind of guy. The internet is demonstrably better now. I could stream an uncut commercial-free horror movie to my big flat-screen TV right now instead of waiting for JoeBob once a week, and all the horror news and articles and reviews and blogs and vlogs and podcasts and whatever I could ever want are right here for free at my fingertips.

Sort of free. There is a small surcharge of human soul. Much as I love the decadent excess of the modern internet, vast stretches of it are nothing but advertising, pseudo-advertising, veiled advertising, corporate branding, sponsored links to other sponsored links, and all manner of other things that would make Indian chiefs sad. Even on the better sites like Bloody Disgusting you're only ever a click away from ending up at something about "15 celebrity facelifts gone horribly wrong".

I'm saying I like my horror websites like I like my antique bookshops that have a long lost copy of the Necronomicon hidden on a back shelf that you find by accident - or did it find you? It's a hole in the wall in a bad part of town, run by a a creepy old man who smells like tobacco juice and looks like Angus Scrimm.

This then my little homage. Obsolete to be sure, but every crabbed line of its html typed personally by me. It's really a website but I pretend it's a haunted amusement park, because pretending it's a park is official park policy and horror at the carnival is the best thing in the world.

Sadly real carnivals are one of those things like love, friendship and family that are probably more fun to think about than actually experience. I get motion sickness from the rotaton of the Earth so a rollercoaster would basically kill me, and let's face it, cotton candy isn't food. But through the power of delusion, I mean imagination, all of life can be a carnival and the things we enjoy are the rides. So in my household taking a nap is referred to as riding the ghost train, and my cats are the Fight-and-Bite-Go-Round. But yeah it's a website about horror movies.

So as corrupt park manager please allow me to officially welcome you to Pokoli Park. The facility is always under heavy construction but areas are currently open and semi-functional, and a small army of seedy carnies and mongoloids and Rob Zombie looking types are out there pounding stakes day and night getting the attractions up and installing the necessary back buttons and footers and .gifs, so kind of avoid them and don't make eye contact.

But enough jibber-jabber. The rides! The freaks! The pungent odour of corn dogs, vomit and cotton candy! The Gypsy fortune teller you better not make fun of or you know what happens!

Rrrrollup shipmates, roll up for the greatest assemblage of a couple dozen horror movie reviews on Earth! COME AND SEE how things looked back in the days of dial up internet. DARE TO BE AMAZED at just how much verbiage a creepy loner can type in one sitting. REEL IN HORROR at Bloaty the man-eating cane toad. EXPERIENCE THE STRANGE ALLURE of Bruce Campbell in a Hawaiian shirt. BE CONFOUNDED that some guy didn't give some movie as many skulls as you did. All inside, all free, and ALL ALIVE Ladies and Gentlemen, ALL ALIVE!

You are currently in the park entrance area, which doesn't have a slick graphic interface yet and consists of seven kiosks. From here you can:

Say the hell with reading all this preamble for an hour and go straight to THE RIDES
Actual site content!

View the Billboard for the latest park events.

Wade through a brutally long manifesto about why I dig horror - super important shit.

Study the Horror Movie Review User's Manual - Sure you already know how to read and see pictures, but do you know what a movie rating of 3 green monkey skulls means? Find out inside!

Determine whether you spit on everything I stand for by enduring a narrow-minded Statement of Bias

Debate the relevance of movie reviews - are they really a scam? We'll kick around the whole subject here.

Withstand a Stern Disclaimer - some of the attractions aren't safe, and we don't bother with any of that "you must be this tall to ride" nonsense

Or I guess you could just walk out in a huff.